TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS BLACK METAL PICS OF ALL TIME

#10: IT


IT (Abruptum/Ophthalamia) in one of his Via Dolorosa-era photos cleans up in the #10 slot. Does Sweden have Indians? He looks like a fuckin' black metal Comanche! Or better yet, John Rambo. After all, he's in a cave with a large hunting knife, but by the way that thing is glowing, you'd think Orcs were near. Go, black metal Frodo, go!

#9: Fenriz


Fenriz (Darkthrone) is probably the most dramatic of all black metalers. In almost every choreographed photo, he's either kneeling in the woods, got his arms outstretched, or is looking into the sky, no doubt cursing Jesus for not giving him enough money to record a decent album.



#8: Gorgoroth


Wait, are those suspenders? Oh, *bleep*, you gotta be kidding me. And he's got his hair in a ponytail. Not only that, but I believe he's carrying a scythe. He's a *censor* black metal farmer! Jesus Christ, this picture is gay. What's up with the hooded avenger in the back? And who is that goliath motherfucker? Holy shit, that guy is huge! Don't *bleep* with Gorgoroth, man!



#7: Old Man's Child


Damn right these guys look old. They're all *censor* bald! Did Crowbar turn into a black metal band when I wasn't looking? Apparently, baldness has found a niche in the black metal scene. It's OK to be bald if you're in a black metal band, because being bald evidently means you are evil. And don't wear your own band's t-shirt to the *censor* photo shoot, dude, that's just a metal faux pas.



#6: Dark Funeral


Don't get me wrong, Dark Funeral is the shit. But this photo is not. Actually, I should say they were the shit until David Parland took off. Anyway, Lord Ahriman is *censor* fat. Notice his belly hanging out from under the leather-daddy vest. His generic, upside-down-cross shin guards are pretty *censor* absurd too. What's up with the bondage theme, anyway? How about those chains on the ground? It's obvious that the band is going to tie up and *bleep* the guy on the left. He's already waiting with his hand on his crotch. Hell, maybe this should have been #5.



#5: Dimmu Borgir


The bald guy makes this picture #5, hands down. This is some seriously shoddy corpse paint on everybody, especially for a photo shoot. Look at the bald guy. Just look at him! Is that supposed to be intimidating? He looks like a *censor* alien! As with Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir's pics have gotten more ridiculous with time, i.e., the presence of top hats, vampire teeth, capes, etc. Terrible!



#4: Dani Filth


Dani from Cradle of Filth comes in fourth only because he is so incredibly gay. First of all, there is no black metal band that has sold out quite like Cradle of Filth. Secondly, there is no other black metal band that loves to have pictures taken of them as much as Cradle of Filth. And lastly, Dani always has to be doing something stupid and/or gay in virtually all of the band photos. Why? Well, he's obviously watched Interview With a Vampire one too many times. The theatrics just need to stop. This is one of his few un-Photoshopped pics. STOP IT! Also, Cradle of Filth is from Helsinki, Sweden.



#3: Immortal


What exactly is going on here? Is this the new WWF tag team? Horgh looks like he's ready to swan-dive off the turnbuckle. And what is that leather guard holding his gut in? He's been drinking too much Smirnoff Ice (that's what they drink backstage, by the way). Abbath looks like he just saw the *censor* boogey man and doesn't know whether to run or stay and shit his pants.



#2: Immortal (again)


Immortal take the #2 spot with this pic, and for good reason. LOOK AT THOSE *censor* SHIN GUARDS! Since when did Satan have his own ice hockey team? Horgh wins #2 for the evil goalie look. But that's not all. What about Abbath's weapon!? What the *bleep* is that? It looks more like the Bat Signal than an axe. I just don't know what to think, actually. Last but not least is Iscariah. The leather pants. The chainmail. The belt that turns said chainmail into a skirt. Ask, but I think Bennett developed that look in Commando. The only reason why this photo didn't make #1 is because of the lack of taxidermy.



#1: Satyricon


This is the most ridiculous black metal pic for three reasons. One, the stuffed eagle. C'mon, guys, you're not fooling anyone. Two, Nocturno Culto, who is notorious for taking tacky black metal pics. And three, for Frost's homemade arm bands complete with 10" carpentry nails. Seriously, it looks like he punched a *censor* porcupine to death. Not to mention his tight spandex pants. That's not very black metal. Or maybe it is.


Bonus Pic:


Just when you thought the black metal pics couldn't get more ridiculous, Abbath unzips his *censor* pants! Holy Mother of God, this is horrible! Apparently, he did the entire photo shoot with his *censor* fly down. He's covering his crotch in the number #2 picture, but here, in all of his unholy glory, Abbath bares it all for the fans. Seriously, he may as well have done the picture nude. I just don't get it. I mean, the ax is bad enough, but this just flat-out destroys the attempt to be evil. I think this might be the first instance where a black metal icon has posed in a provocative, sexually inviting manner. Abbath, dude, you're not gonna get the ladies with this one!

Ever notice that when black metalists wear those really tight pants, you almost never see any evidence of a penis there?

C-Quizzle wrote:

Ever notice that when black metalists wear those really tight pants, you almost never see any evidence of a penis there?

THAT'S TRUE. BLACK METAL TO ME IS LIKE HAIR METAL, BUT WITH A LITTLE SATANISM THROWN IN. I MEAN, BOTH SUB-GENRES WEAR MAKE-UP, HAVE LONG HAIR, AND TAKE HORRIBL PHOTO SHOTS. FOR ALL WE KNOW, THEY COULD BE CHICKS, JUST CLEVERLY DISQUISED CHICKS.

Second Best EVER wrote:

C-Quizzle wrote:

Ever notice that when black metalists wear those really tight pants, you almost never see any evidence of a penis there?

THAT'S TRUE. BLACK METAL TO ME IS LIKE HAIR METAL, BUT WITH A LITTLE SATANISM THROWN IN. I MEAN, BOTH SUB-GENRES WEAR MAKE-UP, HAVE LONG HAIR, AND TAKE HORRIBL PHOTO SHOTS. FOR ALL WE KNOW, THEY COULD BE CHICKS, JUST CLEVERLY DISQUISED CHICKS.

Jesus Chrsit, can you go die or something? Or at least fix your caps lock?

Raiden wrote:

Second Best EVER wrote:

C-Quizzle wrote:

Ever notice that when black metalists wear those really tight pants, you almost never see any evidence of a penis there?

THAT'S TRUE. BLACK METAL TO ME IS LIKE HAIR METAL, BUT WITH A LITTLE SATANISM THROWN IN. I MEAN, BOTH SUB-GENRES WEAR MAKE-UP, HAVE LONG HAIR, AND TAKE HORRIBL PHOTO SHOTS. FOR ALL WE KNOW, THEY COULD BE CHICKS, JUST CLEVERLY DISQUISED CHICKS.

Jesus Chrsit, can you go die or something? Or at least fix your caps lock?

He should at least remember to steer.